Joy in The Mystery

When’s the last time you went through your elementary and high school assignments and old journals?

Last night I was so excited when the girls went to bed on time. My immediate goal was to get cozy in my new sweat short outfit, make a cup of decaf coffee, light a candle, make some popcorn, and then sit to write.

That all changed when Michael came into the room with my old notebooks and journals. We’ve been downsizing our storage unit which means junk is everywhere in my parents’ home (sorry Mom!)

“Love, can you just sort through this a little?” Michael asked as he shoved boxes my way.

“Sure, I can do thirty minutes.” Famous last words.

Within minutes I entered a time warp of feelings, thoughts, and questions in the crazy inner life of younger Alison. I filled notebooks with the details of each day, and of old crushes while simultaneously questioning why I even bothered to like a guy who didn’t know I existed.

Then there were my favorite school assignments that I saved – the C+ I was proud of because Mrs. Abrahamson taught me how to write as she tore my paper apart. There were book summaries and poems I wrote, even one titled, “Got to be there” about a war correspondent who is first on the ground.

I read it aloud and my mother immediately knew when I wrote it. In 7th grade I told her I wanted to be a journalist on the front lines of war, and then I asked, “Do you think I’ll get shot?” Glad I don’t remember that.

I also learned that my whole life I’ve been questioning what I’m meant to do, where God would have me, and how do I let go?  Why can’t I move on? I could hardly believe it; with every entry I felt a strange confirmation in the direction my life is heading.

I wanted to live a life that was spontaneous and included travel and during my more introspective years in college and beyond there was a constant yearning to live a life of purpose. But I also wanted God to tell me. Like right then and there. It bothered me so much that I couldn’t figure out what I was supposed to do.

“Grant me belief in my unbelief. God, I say I want to surrender all, but it is so much easier said then done…I struggle because I do not know, and I want to, but I can not see or hear your way. I struggle because of all the different ways that people claim to know you. But is that true? I do not doubt that you are real and working in this world – so how do you discern? …. What are you asking of me?”

“What do I have to offer?” I asked over, and over. “Will you use me? How? What gives me the right? No skills, no special talents.” I relentlessly processed it all – for years. I listed my fears of letting go of comfort, of persecution, and of being alone.

It made me smile. Because while I know a little bit more of my future now, some of the questions are still the same. Yet, I’ve found that uncertainty is a great place to be because I am more reliant on God. I’ve seen that God can use anybody, and I’ve learned that there is joy in each season.

I wish I could show little Alison this moment, of us sitting there going through all those papers while my husband vacuumed winter clothes into bags and my little girls slept upstairs. I would give her a hug and say, “1. I know you don’t like hugs, learn to like them, and 2. You’re exactly where you’re meant to be, so live free.”

While I was frustrated that my 30-minute endeavor to sort through the journals turned into a three-hour trip down memory lane. I was greatly encouraged and felt an “aha!” moment unfold as God revealed the many ways that He has prepared me for the life I am living now.

The more people I meet, I am encouraged by the unique way that we are all designed to tick. I love that my journal entries won’t match yours, and that if you were to find yours today, you’d find pieces of the puzzle God has been making with you. There is joy in the mystery.